Monday, October 28, 2013

Lazy vs. Contemplative

I would love to openly admit to you what has kept me blogging properly for the last few weeks ... BUT ... I can't :(

It is not because I don't want to ... Because I would love to splurge and dribble everything that I have got to vent and crap on about ... It is consuming me at the moment... So I will dribble a little without telling you anything specific .... Ready?! lol gooooooooooooooo ...

It drives me insaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... The fact that someone can move on with their life sooo readily ... not care about 7 years of their life ... an impact that to me is devastatingly life changing ... That they can lie to government agencies ... and not look after their own flesh and blood ... it makes my blood boil .... That they can get away with it ... Is what I consider something that should be up for nomination for a new deadly sin ... not only at that one persons hand ... but at the hand of the government that facilitates it ...

I wish I could just type vomit all over this page ... But I can't .... Why you ask?! Because of a word that begins with C ... and ends with T ... and I am not talking about the swear word variety ...

I absolutely feel like I am not myself at the moment .... I am going through counselling ... as is Boog to "assess" the situation in preparation .... I have had appointments coming out of my ears ... and for what?! ... For a  letter to be sent to said do-wronger ... Just so I can wait for a response ... I literally now have to sit on my hands and wait ... and if that said do-wronger doesn't respond ... I wait some more before it can go before the aforesaid word beginning with "C"  ...

Do you know what drives me the most nuts about it ... I am damned if I do ... and damned if I don't .... Why???????????  ... Because Mr Do-wronger has done it many times before ... turns out that it is 7 times in fact ... And the whole time I was living in my honeymoon bubble with them ... apart from a few clues AND puzzle pieces which were brushed off by Mr Do-wronger as all in my head ..... I was blissfully unaware of it all until the end ... Don't you just love it ...

I am glad that I have the support of his family ... That they understand that I am not bat shit crazy ... And even more grateful that I have my AMAZING family and friends ... What I don't get is how it can still screw with my life 2 years on .... I just want to get on with everything I have to get on with ... and I am stuck answering to the ghosts of my past ... How can that not be a head game?!

I have been asked the most intimate questions about parenting in the last month .... How do I rate myself on the grand scheme of 1 - 10 .. SERIOUSLY?! ...... My answer was well no-one is perfect ... But I am not a bad parent ... I am coping with EVERYTHING the best way I know how ... so I gave myself an 8 .... that is pretty good self worth ... The fact that I have not collapsed in a heap on the floor in a puddle of tears everyday impresses me ... I think that is at least worth an 8 ... right?!

The most horrible things we're having to re-live every time is the past ... every interview the same questions ... I get that they need to see if I am changing my answers ... but when you have gone through the most difficult time of your life for the last few years ... you don't want to re-live it on a daily basis once you have gotten over it... that fact that you had put it behind you and now have to rehash it every other day is frustrating ... reliving intimate details ... Lies ... and then resenting yourself when they look at you with those judging eyes as to why you didn't figure it out sooner.... It makes me ponder on what the hell I was thinking ... One of my qualities is that I am a trusting and forgiving person ... But there are just some things, that you just can't forgive and forget ...

What doesn't kill us ... makes us stronger ... Right?! 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Broken Mirrors

So yet again... the school holidays were spent... IN BED...  I am going to get a little off track here so forgive me if I lose you ..

When I was younger ... on my mums 40th birthday in fact .... I was sick sick sick with the flu myself ... with my anaemia .. sickness comes on fast and strong ... and it was back in the day when water beds were the in thing LOL yes I am that bloody old :(  ... Anyway I had taken some cold and flu tablets and turned the heater up on my bed and gone to sleep ... and the dog and myself settled in for the night ... with not a movement from each of us .... The water displaced and the heater being turned up really high melted the plastic ... first movement from the dog at first light was water everywhere ... it was like I was a participant in the avon descent ... (for you non perthians - a fast moving river race - not so fast nowadays with the lack of rain water - but I digress) ..

ANYWAY... My bedroom backed onto the entrance of the house where my mum had a wall of mirror tiles ... and you better believe as the water gushed through the house like a mother of Octuplets water breaking (yes that is the mental picture I have) ... getting into power sockets and thankfully triggering the safety switch ... it soaked the wall ... and one by one over the next few days mirror by mirror started breaking .. and cracking .. and POPPING of the damn wall!!!

Now I don't know if you are all as superstitious as my bloomin family is ... but according to the 20 something odd tiles that popped off ... I will be taking my bad luck onto my next life!!! Secretly hoping that it didn't spawn into poor Boogie ... and wondering if that is why he is having all the luck - I use that term sarcastically incase it didn't leap off the page ...

Anyway I will get back to it ...  EVERY school holiday this year ... Boogie and I have spent sick in bed ... the tonsils .. the flu ... and now pneumonia ... which downgraded to a chest infection and then back upto a sinus infection ... Cancelling 50% of the appointments and clinics I tried to jam into his time off school *YAY* ...

So the last 3 days of the school holiday when he was actually back on his feet .. were spent cramming special things in ... Science experiments ... Zoo experience feeding the JabJab's (Giraffes) and spending some quality time with family as there has been a sad turn of events which I won't go into ... We had Uncle T down visiting from the Pilbara and even managed to squish in a mexican fiesta night ... We had to cancel appointments ... and will be making them up first week back at school - I am sure it will be to the disgust of the principal ... But WHATEVER!!! They can bite me this term ... Health comes first ... and from his Paediatricians mouth today ... If I wasn't the fighter and most amazing mummy advocate for my little Boogie ... He wouldn't be where he is today ... he wouldn't be walking ... he would be stuck in a wheel chair ... So ... Broken mirror karma ... You can kiss my A** ... seriously ... we will fight onwards and upwards :) ...

P.S ... Can't wait to share with you some of the fun stuff we got upto ... in our few days of healthy school holiday mayhem - But I will leave you with a super cute pic ... Until tomorrow x