Monday, October 28, 2013

Lazy vs. Contemplative

I would love to openly admit to you what has kept me blogging properly for the last few weeks ... BUT ... I can't :(

It is not because I don't want to ... Because I would love to splurge and dribble everything that I have got to vent and crap on about ... It is consuming me at the moment... So I will dribble a little without telling you anything specific .... Ready?! lol gooooooooooooooo ...

It drives me insaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... The fact that someone can move on with their life sooo readily ... not care about 7 years of their life ... an impact that to me is devastatingly life changing ... That they can lie to government agencies ... and not look after their own flesh and blood ... it makes my blood boil .... That they can get away with it ... Is what I consider something that should be up for nomination for a new deadly sin ... not only at that one persons hand ... but at the hand of the government that facilitates it ...

I wish I could just type vomit all over this page ... But I can't .... Why you ask?! Because of a word that begins with C ... and ends with T ... and I am not talking about the swear word variety ...

I absolutely feel like I am not myself at the moment .... I am going through counselling ... as is Boog to "assess" the situation in preparation .... I have had appointments coming out of my ears ... and for what?! ... For a  letter to be sent to said do-wronger ... Just so I can wait for a response ... I literally now have to sit on my hands and wait ... and if that said do-wronger doesn't respond ... I wait some more before it can go before the aforesaid word beginning with "C"  ...

Do you know what drives me the most nuts about it ... I am damned if I do ... and damned if I don't .... Why???????????  ... Because Mr Do-wronger has done it many times before ... turns out that it is 7 times in fact ... And the whole time I was living in my honeymoon bubble with them ... apart from a few clues AND puzzle pieces which were brushed off by Mr Do-wronger as all in my head ..... I was blissfully unaware of it all until the end ... Don't you just love it ...

I am glad that I have the support of his family ... That they understand that I am not bat shit crazy ... And even more grateful that I have my AMAZING family and friends ... What I don't get is how it can still screw with my life 2 years on .... I just want to get on with everything I have to get on with ... and I am stuck answering to the ghosts of my past ... How can that not be a head game?!

I have been asked the most intimate questions about parenting in the last month .... How do I rate myself on the grand scheme of 1 - 10 .. SERIOUSLY?! ...... My answer was well no-one is perfect ... But I am not a bad parent ... I am coping with EVERYTHING the best way I know how ... so I gave myself an 8 .... that is pretty good self worth ... The fact that I have not collapsed in a heap on the floor in a puddle of tears everyday impresses me ... I think that is at least worth an 8 ... right?!

The most horrible things we're having to re-live every time is the past ... every interview the same questions ... I get that they need to see if I am changing my answers ... but when you have gone through the most difficult time of your life for the last few years ... you don't want to re-live it on a daily basis once you have gotten over it... that fact that you had put it behind you and now have to rehash it every other day is frustrating ... reliving intimate details ... Lies ... and then resenting yourself when they look at you with those judging eyes as to why you didn't figure it out sooner.... It makes me ponder on what the hell I was thinking ... One of my qualities is that I am a trusting and forgiving person ... But there are just some things, that you just can't forgive and forget ...

What doesn't kill us ... makes us stronger ... Right?! 

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